


The Gnome Conspiracy

by anyothergirl415



Series: Gnome!Christian Verse [1]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-10
Updated: 2010-11-10
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyothergirl415/pseuds/anyothergirl415
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared gives Chad a garden gnome, even though Chad lives on the fifth floor of his building. Clearly Jared is an awesome friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gnome Conspiracy

**Author's Note:**

> 30 NaNo Shots 2010 - Prompt: writer's choice

It wasn’t a particularly ugly looking gnome, Chad supposed, if you could seriously consider whether a garden gnome was attractive or not. He just meant, he’d seen some gnomes that had old squishy faces and beady little eyes and this one wasn’t like that. Jared had gotten him at some gypsy market thing – he told Chad that the lady had cackled and declared the gnome was a special one but Chad wasn’t so sure people actually did cackle so…

Anyway, the gnome, had the name _Christian_ engraved along its base so Chad called it that. And even though he lived on the fifth floor of his apartment building – therefore making a _garden_ gnome rather pointless – he put Christian the gnome on top of his speaker in the corner of the living room. It had brown boots, blue pants, and a green shirt. For some reason it also had long dark plastic hair that would have made it look like a girl if it so clearly wasn’t.

On top of his head sat a red pointed hat and well, Chad kind of liked him. He couldn’t say why, it wasn’t like he was real or anything; he was just some cheap plastic statue that Jared had bought because he thought it was funny.

Still, Chad found himself speaking to Christian the gnome whenever they were alone. He’d come home from work and try to pretend like it wasn’t weird that he left on a lamp for Christian when he knew he’d be working late. And he’d take him down from the speaker to sit on the couch while he watched a movie not because he actually thought Christian could see it but really he didn’t want the vibrations from the speaker to knock him off.

Chad told himself he was still sane if he resisted taking the gnome to his bedroom at night. Not for any perverted reason, just because it sometimes got cold by the window on the speaker Christian sat.

Because he didn’t want his friends thinking he was crazy, he didn’t tell them just how many one sided conversations he’d had with Christian the gnome, or how sometimes Chad felt like that little gnome was the only one to really give him the time of day he might not deserve.

Then one night he brought a guy home from a club and well, things got weird.

The guy was pretty cute – the handful of drinks Chad had downed before prevented him from remembering his name – and he was relatively excited because it had been a while since he hooked up with anyone. They stumbled into the living room, lips parting and sliding together and Chad was already arching eagerly up into the man.

Then the guy kissed down along his neck and Chad looked to the side and his eyes landed right on Christian the gnome. It was just a _thing_. Barely a foot and a half of plastic and plaster and paint. But Chad could have _sworn_ the gnome was looking at him and he was sad.

"Wait, wait." Chad pushed the Guy back and ran a hand through his hair, staring at Christian for a long moment.

"You okay?" Random guy looked toward the speaker and the gnome as well and frowned. "Chad?"

Chad felt a little bad that he couldn't recall Guy's name so he just nodded. "Yeah, I... just hold on." He paced across the apartment and grabbed Christian by the point of his hat, turning him until he faced the wall. "Okay."

"Uh..." Understandably the guy looked confused but when Chad returned to him and resumed the kissing thing he went along with it.

All would have been fine and dandy if Chad hadn't looked over and seen the back of the gnome again. Christian had a ridiculously sculpted little butt and Chad suddenly wanted to touch it which, _what the fuck_? “I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” Chad pulled away from the guy and sighed.

“What?” The guy frowned again and looked over at the gnome then scoffed. “Seriously? Is this about the fucking gnome?”

“Hey, don’t talk about him like that,” Chad snapped before he could help it and didn’t even think about what it meant for his sanity as he tugged the door open and kicked the guy out. That tight feeling that had lingered in his chest only eased when Chad had turned Christian back around and brushed his plastic little cheek with a soft apology. He refused to admit that maybe he was losing his mind.

-=-=-=-

"Are you sure this is the right booth?" Chad clutched Christian just a little harder and looked nervously around at the oddest collection of things he couldn't name.

Jared picked up a skull - that looked far too human for Chad's liking - and nodded. "Definitely. Why are we here again?"

"I told you, I just needed to ask some questions," Chad mumbled and turned Christian's face into his shirt as subtly as he could. Just in case the gnome was scared. And yes, he'd stopped questioning his sanity.

"About the gnome?" Jared eyed him with the same crazy look he'd been wearing for a while now.

"Can I help you guys?" A petite woman came out from the back curtain, carrying a box of feathery items.

Jared quickly dropped the skull and Chad shot him a look before smiling at the girl. “I uh, actually had a question about this gnome.” He turned Christian back to her, holding him – it – up.

“All sales are final, sorry.” The woman shrugged and dropped the box onto a small table, picking through them.

“What? No, I’m not trying to return him.” Chad suppressed a shudder at the thought and shook his head. “I was just wondering where you guys got him from? Or who made him.”

“Him?” The woman turned back, small frown on her face. She stepped a little closer and eyed Christian before smiling slightly. “Oh that’s Christian. It’s… oh this is silly.”

“What is?” Jared asked, finally curious enough to stop giving Chad that _you must be insane_ look.

The woman shifted in place for a moment, fiddling with the ends of her hair before sighing and continuing. “My grandmother, she used to tell me that she knew Christian, and that she was in love with him when he was human. And apparently he broke her heart. So she supposedly cursed him to live as a gnome until the one person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with kissed him.”

Jared choked on a snort of laughter and Chad shot him a look. "So what's the true story?" He asked because the last thing he wanted was Jared knowing how close he was to believing.

The woman laughed again and shook her head. "No clue. I tend to believe my grandma though."

-=-=-=-

"This is insane," Chad said for the fifteenth time and shook his head because he couldn't seriously be considering doing this.

But ever since he'd heard the story Chad couldn't get the idea out of his mind. And sometimes, it really did look like someone was looking back at him through the gnomes eyes.

So.

"If you ever tell anyone I did this I'll make you spend a week in the closet." Chad told the _lifeless_ gnome and lifted him up.

Really, this could go one of two ways. Either the story was a lie and Chad would kiss his little plaster lips and nothing would happen – besides Chad signing up for a few potentially helpful sessions of therapy. Or. Well, Christian _was_ real and Chad was about to get a man sized gnome, or something.

After all, the woman _had_ cackled.

So he brought Christian close and closed his eyes, puckering his lips and inhaling once through his nose before gently pressing his lips to the gnome’s. He waited a beat, two beats, and then pulled back, staring at the gnome in a mix of embarrassment and shame.

Especially when nothing happened and all the air whooshed out of him. “Ah well,” he mumbled and set the gnome on the table, pushing off the couch to head for the kitchen. He needed some alcohol, some really _strong_ alcohol.

Just as he was reaching into the kitchen there was a crash that echoed through the living room, causing him to drop a beer bottle and stumble back. He hurried quickly into the room, staring in disbelief at the man that was now sitting on a pile of his coffee table. And… he was still dressed in bright blue jeans, a green shirt, and a red pointed hat.

“Uh, Christian,” Chad mumbled and curled his fingers into a fist, not sure how to react about the fact that the gnome was actually _real_.

“Chad,” Christian groaned and slowly pushed himself up, stumbling in place as he tried to adjust to not being a foot and a half anymore.

“You know who I am,” Chad pointed out uselessly, since Christian had just said his name and well, that was pretty obvious.

“Course. Been listening to you talk for ages.” Christian’s voice was deep and it made Chad’s skin prickle in a good way. “Boy you can talk a lot.”

Chad scoffed and blinked a few times. “Well _sorry_. How about a thank you? Considering I just made you human again after fifty years of being a gnome.”

Christian looked up and stared at him for a long minute. Maybe he was trying to scowl but that red pointed hat made it hard to take him seriously. “Thank you,” he growled, which wasn’t really full of that much gratitude.

Even if Chad had pictured how this would go – which he hadn’t – somehow he had imagined Christian being a lot nicer. And maybe, some other stuff. “Wow. So, you’re all sorts of pleasant.”

Sighing, Christian shook his head then reached up and hastily grabbed the hat. “Well. Sorry. Thank you, I mean it. I guess uh, I’ll just be going.”

“Got a hot date?” Chad asked before he could help himself, shooting Christian a glare.

“Dude, I’ve got family and friends-“

“That are all going to be about seventy now. You’re gonna scare them to death going back to them. Literally.” Chad folded his arms over his chest, daring Christian to argue with his logic.

Of course, it was impossible to stay mad or irritated when Christian looked a little wrecked at the words. “I uh…”

“Just stay the night here. It’s already almost eleven. You can sleep and eat and shower, tomorrow we’ll figure stuff out. Deal?” Chad offered, trying a smile this time.

Christian frowned, looking around uncertainly, then back at Chad. “Are you gonna cook?”

“I’m a great cook,” Chad defended, his smile growing a little wider.

“Dude, I’ve been here for half a year at least. How many times have you nearly burnt down the place?”

Alright, this might not be as bad as Chad originally thought. At least the guy had a sense of humor, once gnome or not.


End file.
